


It Takes a Lifetime

by paranoid_parallax



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: (not the same as OCD), Ableism, Ableist Language, Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Autistic Zuko (Avatar), Azula (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Azula (Avatar)-centric, Azula has OCPD, Bad Parenting, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Childhood Trauma, Closeted Character, Consensual Underage Sex, Domestic Violence, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Fire Nation Royal Family, Gay Zuko (Avatar), Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Misogyny, Internalized Transphobia, Lesbian Azula (Avatar), Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Mai/Zuko, Misgendering, Misogyny, Non-Explicit Sex, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, POV Alternating, POV Azula (Avatar), POV Third Person, POV Zuko (Avatar), Partially Blind Zuko (Avatar), Physical Abuse, Physical Disability, Psychosis, Schizophrenia, Schizophrenic Azula, Sexism, Sexist Language, Tags May Change, Threats of Violence, Trans Azula, Trans Female Character, Transphobia, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Verbal Abuse, Victim Blaming, Zuko (Avatar) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Zuko (Avatar)-centric, Zuko's Scar (Avatar), internalized ableism, medical neglect
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:22:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25917283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paranoid_parallax/pseuds/paranoid_parallax
Summary: Scenes set over the course of seventeen years, as Zuko and Azula struggle to break free of their father's abusive influence and learn how to love themselves.
Relationships: Azula & Mai & Ty Lee, Azula & Ozai (Avatar), Azula & Ursa (Avatar), Azula & Zuko (Avatar), Azula/Ty Lee (Avatar), Iroh & Zuko (Avatar), Ozai & Zuko (Avatar), Ozai/Ursa (Avatar), The Gaang & Zuko (Avatar), Ursa & Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 81





	1. six & four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • The chapter titles refer to Zuko & Azula's ages.
> 
> • Azula is referred to as "Azulon," "he," etc. for the first few chapters because she hasn't figured herself out yet.
> 
> • Most of the later chapters will have more dialogue and stuff than this one does.
> 
> • **Specific warnings for this chapter:** ableism, including ableist language (r-slur) and lots of internalized ableism.

Zuko didn’t understand why he was bad at everything.

His little brother, Azulon, was so much better, and Dad never missed an opportunity to remind them both of that fact.

Even though Azulon was two years younger than Zuko, they were in the same grade at school. The younger boy had started kindergarten two years earlier than normal thanks to his intelligence and Dad’s firm insistence, and they were now both in first grade. Dad had said preschool was beneath Azulon — he didn’t need to waste time playing around with a bunch of little kids when he was so smart already.

It made Zuko feel stupid that he had gone to preschool, and had even needed special help for some reason. (Mom said it was nothing to be ashamed of, but he overheard Dad on more than one occasion snapping that he “didn’t want a retarded kid.” Zuko didn’t really know what he meant, but he could tell it was a bad thing, and he felt terribly guilty.) He hadn’t been smart enough to skip any grades, so now he was in the same class as his little brother, and it made him feel like the dumb one — which he guessed was true, anyway.

Normally, siblings in the same grade (which in other families meant twins) weren’t actually put in the same _class_ , but Dad had insisted because he said competition would drive them both to be better.

Azulon was really good at math, and Zuko couldn’t seem to get it. When it came to history or science, Azulon was like a little encyclopedia (and he actually read encyclopedias for fun), while Zuko was too busy daydreaming in class. Dad always yelled at him for his bad grades until Mom stopped him, but he couldn’t seem to fix them even though he knew he would get in trouble. Even when he did pay attention, he was just too dumb to remember all of it.

Reading and writing had come embarrassingly late for Zuko. Azulon, on the other hand, had been doing both at the age of two, and was in the gifted reading group _for first grade,_ the grade most kids his age wouldn’t even be in for another two years.

Zuko was okay at art, he guessed — Mom said he was good, but Dad always praised Azulon’s drawings and only grudgingly accepted his. When the two of them took martial arts classes together, Azulon quickly advanced to a higher belt level despite being the younger brother, and was told he had a natural talent. Zuko tripped over his own feet routinely and couldn’t even throw a decent punch, and Dad quickly stopped wasting money on lessons for his incompetent son.

Azulon was better behaved, too — so much easier to deal with. Neither of them ever really got in any trouble at school, or deliberately disobeyed their father in any significant way, but Zuko was still “the difficult one.” That label had been his before he could talk (which had also been abnormally late, to his father’s disappointment) and he already knew he would keep it forever.

Zuko tried to behave, he really did, but he was just _stupid_. He would stand wrong, or look in the wrong direction, or forget to talk when he was supposed to, or have the wrong expression on his face, or say something accidentally rude, and Dad would yell at him for hours about how disrespectful and ungrateful he was.

Dad didn’t hit him or anything, but it was still scary. The yelling and slamming things didn’t stop until Dad calmed down, regardless of how many times Zuko apologized or even if he started crying. In fact, Dad hated it when he cried. Sometimes he told him to “man up” or things to that effect; other times he accused him of being “manipulative.” Zuko wasn’t trying to manipulate anyone, he was just sad that he had made Dad upset with him again, but explaining that never helped either. Maybe he was just too dumb to explain it right.

Even their names were reflective of his brother’s superiority — Zuko’s name had been chosen by his mom, while Azulon was named after Grandpa, Dad’s father. He wasn’t sure why Dad counted as better than Mom in their house — he loved his mom, after all, and she was sweet and kind — but that was just how things were.

Dad had once told Zuko that he was lucky to be born, and Mom had gotten really mad at him for saying that. Zuko had been sent to his room while they argued, but as he walked down the hall, he’d overheard Mom yelling that “just because you didn’t want me to have him doesn’t mean I didn’t,” and Dad snapping back, “I wish you hadn’t, maybe then I wouldn’t be stuck here putting my own life on hold for a bunch of ungrateful brats!”

His brother had been standing there glaring at him when he entered their shared room. “What did you do now, stupid?”

“Nothing!”

“Stop making Dad mad! I’m sick of hearing yelling when I’m trying to sleep. You know, _some_ of us actually use our brains at school, so it’s important for us to rest. I know you won’t be smart no matter what you do, but I—”

Furious, Zuko had lunged at him.

Azulon had just laughed, rolling out of the way easily, and continued to dodge. Shaking with anger, Zuko just wanted to hit something. He was so sick of everything and everyone, he couldn’t stand it.

His brother had continued taunting him about how stupid he was. When he’d finally caught Azulon and landed a few kicks and punches, Azulon had started crying, and Zuko backed off immediately in a panic.

“I’m telling Dad!”

“No no no, please don’t tell him! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

“I’m telling him right now!” Zuko had tried to grab his brother, but the other boy escaped and ran out to the kitchen.

Hiding in the closet in terror as his dad’s angry footsteps approached the bedroom, Zuko had understood that he was always the problem. He was the reason Mom and Dad were stuck together even though they never seemed happy around each other. Azulon, being the second child, wasn’t at fault for that.

It was hard not to be jealous.

* * *

Azulon knew he was the best at everything, and never missed an opportunity to remind everyone of that fact.

Being the best got him smiles and praise from Dad. Zuko and Mom never got those because they weren’t as good, so it was important to keep succeeding.

Not that it was hard for him. Everything came so easily to him, and that was why he was Dad’s favorite.

For some reason, though, he wasn’t Mom’s, no matter how hard he tried. He was always right there, doing something perfectly, and she turned all her attention and affection to his brother instead. Why was Zuko her favorite? What had he done to earn that?

His efforts — well, not that any of it took much effort for him, but _still_ — were useless where she was concerned. Whenever she did pay attention to him, it was to scold him for something: for being mean, or lazy, or antisocial, or whatever it was about him that bothered her today.

Azulon was sick of hearing that he wouldn’t be able to coast on his natural talents forever and someday he was going to have to _try_ , as if he was somehow slacking off by doing well. He was sick of being told he was mean just for saying things that everyone knew were true. He didn’t understand why Mom thought he was so scary — why she sometimes got that same look in her eyes when he said something that she did when Dad yelled at her — but he was tired of feeling guilty all the time. If Mom was scared of him, then that was her problem. He didn’t have to take that from anybody, not when Dad’s constant praise and protection was always right there for him.

Of course, if he were more like Zuko or Mom then Dad might not like him so much, so he made sure to distinguish himself from his brother in every way possible. It wasn’t hard, really, not when Zuko was so terrible at everything. He almost felt sorry for his brother at times, but then he saw Mom hugging her _precious_ Zuko and remembered what was at stake. It was always a competition, and since he’d lost the battle for Mom’s favor, he _had_ to win the one for Dad’s.

Friends were unimportant for now; they didn’t make him smarter and they wasted time. Dad told him when he was older he would need to start networking, but for now it was best he focused on his studies rather than playing with a bunch of stupid kids.

Azulon agreed wholeheartedly. He had been thrilled to start school last year at the age of three, knowing it was a mark of his intelligence. With the level he was at already, it only made sense.

If it were up to him and Dad he would’ve skipped kindergarten altogether just like he had preschool, but state law or something got in the way, and that was harder to override than school policy. Azulon had hated it — all of the other kids thought he was weird, and he had to sit through learning the alphabet and spelling his name when he was already able to read and write. He had been the only kid in class who could, and spent playtime huddled in the book corner ignoring the other students.

They had sometimes made fun of him. Once, he’d punched one of them for it and nearly gotten sent to the principal’s office, but he’d managed to weasel his way out of trouble without having his parents contacted. It was quite the advantage that, while most kids his own age might not like him, most adults thought he was just _so_ cute and _so_ smart, making them much more prone to letting him get away with things.

Not Mom, though.

Anyway, he and Zuko hadn’t been in the same class last year, but this year Dad had made sure they were, which meant first grade was a whole lot more fun. Showing off in front of Zuko and reminding him who was smarter was always deeply satisfying. It was the one revenge he could get for his brother winning the fight for Mom’s love — and though he occasionally felt a twinge of guilt for just how cruel he was to the other boy, most of the time all he felt was a vicious need to go in for the metaphorical kill.

Mercy might be nice if you could afford it, but it was safer in his case to make sure Zuko was kicked down as hard as possible. That way it wouldn’t ever be _him_ losing their eternal contest. Every time he got his brother in trouble with Dad, or embarrassed him at school, orshowed him up at something despite being younger, he felt more and more secure in his spot as Dad’s favorite son — exactly where he belonged.

Mom didn’t deserve him anyway.


	2. eight & six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Specific warnings for this chapter:** physical abuse, threats of violence, misogynistic language (b***h and wh**e), & extreme jealous/controlling behavior.

To someone not acquainted with the Sozin family’s inner workings, it would have seemed an innocent enough question. As it was, however, Zuko sank down in his chair wishing he could disappear as soon as “How come we never go see Mom’s family?” left his little brother’s mouth at dinner.

Stupid Azulon was going to get them all in trouble again. Why didn’t he know when to shut up?

Dad didn’t say anything, looking at Mom like this was her problem to fix. “Don’t worry about that, honey,” she said quickly. She looked scared, and it made Zuko scared too. “It’s just that your dad’s family lives so much closer, that’s all. There’s no need to travel hundreds of miles to see someone you barely know when Grandpa and Uncle and your cousin Lu Ten are all right nearby.”

“Oh.” Azulon seemed satisfied with that explanation, but Zuko knew that couldn’t be it. He remembered that time a few months ago Mom had met up with some cousin of hers who happened to be in town, and hadn’t told Dad about it, and when Dad found out by looking through her phone he had been really mad. He’d called her a bunch of names — Zuko remembered him saying she was a “cheating whore,” and the shock and fear in her voice as she said, “It was just _family_ , Ozai!” — and then he’d almost broken her phone.

He didn’t know what it was that made Dad afraid to let Mom go near any other men, even her relatives, but it was kind of weird.

Azulon hadn’t thought so, though. He’d insisted that Dad just loved her so much he didn’t want to share her with anybody else. “But she shares him!” Zuko had protested, and his brother had just shrugged, with that ever-present smug smile. “Well, maybe she doesn’t love him as much then.”

Now, Dad sulked through the rest of dinner, snapping at everyone who spoke until they all resigned themselves to eating in uncomfortable silence. At least he wasn’t yelling, but it still made Zuko’s stomach twist painfully with anxiety, and he struggled to finish his food without getting sick.

* * *

The fighting started after Zuko and Azulon were in bed, startling them both awake. Azulon scrambled down from the top bunk quickly and quietly, motioning for his older brother to follow him.

Pressed against the door, they could hear their parents yelling, but the sound didn’t travel well enough to catch most of their actual words.

“I can’t hear anything,” Azulon whispered. “Let’s get closer.”

“What if they catch us?” Zuko honestly looked terrified.

Azulon rolled his eyes. “It’ll be fine. Come on.” Opening the door as silently as possible, he slipped out into the hallway, and his brother followed. Light on his feet, he moved down the hallway toward the kitchen, the source of the noise.

Even lurking right outside the doorway, Mom’s voice was still too quiet to hear, and he scowled. Why couldn’t she speak up? If she wasn’t so scared and annoyingly weepy all the time, Dad might leave her alone.

Dad didn’t have that problem. “If you keep talking like that I’m going to cut your goddamn head off,” he snarled.

Both kids froze at that.

Azulon relaxed again quickly, rolling his eyes at how dramatic Dad was, but Zuko still looked tense.

“Let go of me!” A moment later, the sound of something shattering was followed by a scream from Mom.

Zuko ran into the kitchen — _what are you doing, stupid?!_ — and Azulon darted back to their room immediately, not wanting any part of the trouble his brother was about to get in. Climbing back into bed, settling under the covers and closing his eyes, he evened out his breathing into that of a peacefully asleep child who _definitely_ hadn’t been eavesdropping on his parents’ fight.

If Dad came to check on him, he would be reminded which of his kids was the good one — and if Mom did, maybe she would finally figure it out.

* * *

Zuko cowered as Dad whirled around to yell at him for being out of bed, hurriedly backing away as his father approached him threateningly. He wasn’t fast enough to avoid getting slammed against the wall by the man, who looked so angry it was terrifying.

“Don’t you fucking touch my son!” Mom yelled, which appeared to startle all three of them for a moment.

“Don’t tell me what to do, you bitch.”

As Dad dropped him and turned back to Mom, Zuko ducked under his arm and ran over to hug her, tears streaming down both their faces. “Please just leave her alone, Dad. We’re sorry!”

After glaring at them both for a moment, Dad stormed out of the room, and as he raged down the hall they heard the crashing and banging noises of more things being knocked over or broken. Finally, a door slammed like a gunshot, causing both of them to jump, and then the tension gave way to exhaustion.

Mom hugged him tightly for several seconds. “Go back to bed, okay, sweetie? Everything’s going to be fine.” She began sweeping up the broken plates, looking tired. Zuko offered to stay and help, but she insisted he go so his father wouldn’t get riled up again if he came back out there.

Zuko barely slept that night, and was exhausted the next morning. He couldn’t miss school, though, not unless he wanted to make things worse again, so he stumbled through the day half-conscious. His brother seemed fine, if slightly less energetic than usual, and he felt a stab of envy for the millionth time.

 _Why does he get away with everything? It’s not fair._ Zuko never got that luxury, and the bruises under his clothes from where his back had struck the wall last night were a harsh reminder of that.

* * *

Bruises were visible on Mom’s arm at dinner the next night, and Azulon realized how that would look to an outside observer.

But it wasn’t like that, of course. The situation was different. Mom had made Dad upset, and they were fighting, like always. It wasn’t Dad’s fault he was bigger and stronger than her, or that she’d made him so angry. She shouldn’t have provoked him.

Of course it was unfortunate that she was hurt, but it was nothing, really. Just a bruise on her forearm where he’d grabbed her. If Dad had been _abusive_ or something, Mom would be all beat up, probably with a black eye and blood everywhere, and she’d have to take her kids and run away secretly. And Dad would never do anything like that, Azulon knew. The thought of it was ridiculous. He loved them, and just because he got mad sometimes didn’t mean he was a bad guy.

Still, he hoped Mom didn’t let anybody else see her arm, just so they wouldn’t get the wrong idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha fun fact this is pretty much all based on stuff that happened in my childhood
> 
> ~~I thought this would be cathartic to write but I think I'm actually just triggering myself... when has that ever stopped me though lol~~


End file.
